Camp Breeder

I was reading a post by my friend Happy yesterday (I have to refer to her as Happy, because we have two ME's in the group now) and was intrigued by the idea that a person could change sexual orientation through hard work and prayer. I decided to check out some of the advice offered by people who had already been through THE CHANGE. I mean why not, there are all sorts of benefits to being straight, and besides, I wouldn't have to endure those weekly phone calls from my mother. She calls me every Sunday to tell me that she is still praying for the salvation of my immortal soul. Sometimes she goes off on the "Gay Marriage Causes the Collapse of Society and Other Really Bad Things" spiel. I try not to let the conversation go on long enough to have to listen to how everything that is wrong in the world is somehow my fault, but how long can you talk about the weather? Maybe if I could figure out how to change my orientation, my mother would talk to me about furniture, or we could exchange recipes just like mothers and daughters do on TV.

I didn't tell my partner A. that I was thinking of going through THE CHANGE. I figured that it wouldn't work, and if it did, then couldn't I just change back? Maybe if I really turned into a straight gurl, then my mother would get off my back. A. might not even notice. I have had a lot of practice pretending to be straight, how hard could it be to pretend to be gay? If the straight thing was really hard to shake, I could always rent the Tomb Raider movies. Angelina Jolie in those action outfits is enough to make even Anne Coulter question her orientation. (Okay, I'm not suggesting that we let Anne into the Family, she would have to first go on a shopping spree and get rid of those black patent leather shoes!) It didn't seem like such a bad thing to be straight, and if being straight would get my mother to back off, it might even be worth it. I'm sure I could fix any problems with A, we've been together for thirteen years, through what seemed like insurmountable problems. Unlike my mother, I'm sure she would love me no matter what.

She does already. Good thing for me.

I clicked on some of Happy's links. The Dobson link was particularly informative. If you pay the $250 entrance fee, you get all of your questions answered. The most common questions were already answered free of charge. The first one was this:

1. Am I going to Hell?

Answer: Yes. Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200. One "Get Out of Hell Free" pass can be purchased by donating $5000 to Focus On The Family. If you buy two, you can skip all of mandatory prayer, and go straight to heaven.

2. Is sex with straight men really awful?

Answer: Yes, but it only lasts for 5 minutes, and afterwards he falls sound asleep so you can catch the Leno show.

3. What should I do about all of my tattoos?

Answer: Repent!

4. Will being straight totally suck?

Answer: Find out by attending our seminar Change NOW 2005. For the low price of $499.99 you can win a Bible!

I really wanted the answer to the last question, and wished that it were not so expensive. I had the money, but I didn't have a week off from work to go to the seminar. Salvation was really inconvenient. And wow, it was expensive! But prayer and meditation were free, so I decided to give it a whirl. I began by visualizing a hetero life. I saw myself in heels. I was wearing a neatly ironed pink suit. I looked…..different. My hair was pulled back in a braid, and not one hair was out of place. I was wearing eye make-up. My tattoos were covered by long sleeves and a turtleneck collar. I was saying something….

"You know, I just love being a Breeder. The kids are so much fun!"

"Children! The Lord's gift to women!" She was also wearing a pink suit, but she was tall and blond, and her ass was….nice.
I was never really attracted before to the spiritual type, but maybe I was missing something?

"Oh and look! There's your husband!" She gestured to a middle aged bald guy walking up to greet us. That was my husband? I was sure that the brochure had shown a picture of the straight men, and they were better looking. In the pictures, didn't they all have hair? Trailing behind my husband were three small children. They had finger paint all over their tiny little hands. They were carrying these hand painted Jesus pictures and they saw me and rushed over to meet me. "Mommy! Jesus Loves YOU!" They ran to meet me with dirty fingers and snotty noses. I looked over at the blond in pink. The words came out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"Hey. There's this seminar later tonight. It's called "How to Resist the Urge to Cut Your Hair. Are you going?"

She raised her eyebrows and said, "I wouldn't miss it. It's the best workshop in the Camp."

And then the kids jumped all over me, getting my perfect pink suit all gritty with paint and dirt. They were screaming crazy things like, " I want my blanky! I have to go potty! Why don't I have a pee-pee like daddy? I'm hungry! My tummy hurts." I kept repeating to my self, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home….."

When I woke up, A. was squinting at me. "You're talking in your sleep. Are you okay?" I was so happy to see her.

"I am now." I said.