Monday, July 18, 2005

The Loose Thread, or Butch By Default

In heterosexual relationships, there are usually two partners, although I have heard of relationships with more than two partners, most straight people I know have either a husband, or a wife. Since this is reality to them, this is how they often define alternative relationships. I have often been asked by well meaning straight people, "Which one of you is, uhmm, the man?" I then feel as if it is my duty to lesbians everywhere to educate these well meaning straight people and tell them that in a lesbian relationship there is no man. For breeders, this is a hard concept to swallow, (oops, that was completely unintended) because the very fabric of society is built around the idea of Penis Power. But fabric, like penises can become completely unwound with just a slight tug on a loose thread, and all of a sudden, there you are, not bound by marriage to some asshole who expects you to take the kids to school in the morning because you make less money than he does, but sitting in a pile of loose yarn, examining the truths that once bound you, and realizing that they have become with just a slight bit of pressure, just a pile of garbage that you should sweep up.

The penis is completely unnecessary. This is the thread that unravels society. Pull on it if you dare.

Without men, of course, there are naturally tasks that men traditionally do that need to be taken up by women. Who changes the tire? Who takes out the trash? Who steps on the spider crawling across the living room floor? In lesbian relationships, it is usually the butch. In my own relationship, it has been decidedly difficult to determine which one of us is butch. We both wear make-up. I have a purse, and A does not. I wear heels, and A does not. I know how to change a tire, A. does not. A. knows about things like duvet covers and I don't. I can cook, and A. can't. It's not really a competition, because knowing how to change a tire and knowing how to cook do not really constitute victory. Victory is defined as a happy relationship, no matter what your skills are. Skills contribute to partnership, skills are good. Still the question remains, who takes out the trash? Obviously, we both are skilled enough to do the job. In almost every relationship, trash duty falls to the butch.

So how can you tell who is the butch? If you are both kind of gurlie, then I have a fool proof way to determine who gets trash duty. It's a simple question.

Which one of you is more likely to pee outdoors?

Me personally, I don't care. If you have to pee, then you have to pee. It doesn't matter to me whether or not there is a designated place, I can't just hold it indefinitely, pee, once manufactured, must be expelled. I prefer a clean and sanitary restroom, but if one is not available, then expell it, I will. A, my partner has developed the skill of being able to hold it for miles until we drive by the Hyatt Regency, and have to stop for dinner, even though we're not hungry. It usually costs me $120 to stop to use the restroom and have dinner. Not only is it expensive, but now I am the designated butch, and not only do I have to cook, I have to take out the trash.

But hey, doesn't that give me a free pass to lay around and watch basketball on the weekends?